3 Ways Family Members Become the Biggest Boundary Violators in Your Life
You are not alone in your struggle to make family understand and respect your boundaries AND changing your approach will transform your relationships with your family members.
Boundaries are expected in most relationships. So why does it seem family doesn’t think they need boundaries or family always seems to ignore your boundaries?
From all of my years of working with families, plus my personal experience within my own family, I have discovered three main ways family become the biggest boundary violators in your life. Knowing these “holes” in your approach to boundaries will lead you to more effective boundaries and happier, healthier connections with your family.
#1: Family become the biggest boundary violators in your life because of FAMILIAR PATTERNS
You may not even notice the boundary violation because it’s become a part of the familiarity of how your family operates.
This means you have developed a way of coping with the disappointment and frustration of how your family violates your boundaries so that you can explain their boundary violation to yourself and others in a way that is logical. This means you excuse your family from honoring the boundaries you set.
When this happens, I hear you say this:
“My dad will never listen to me so I give up.”
“My sister doesn’t care if I ask her to stop, she just does it more.”
“Oh, that’s just how my mom is and she won’t change.”
This is how it sounds and feels when family consistently violates your boundaries. It may feel impossible, AND there is hope. You can turn this around. You may never get your family to honor your boundaries, that is the bad news. The good news is you can honor your own boundaries no matter how your family reacts and over time that will lead to more positive interactions and healthier connections with your family members.
#2: You allow the boundary violation to happen…without realizing it
Either you’ve given up or you make excuses for your family member so the boundary violation continues even though you believe you were clear in setting the boundary.
Here’s what is happening…
You set the boundary and you know the boundary is clear to your family member.
Your family member pushes against your boundary or refuses to acknowledge your boundary.
You believe there was a misunderstanding so you explain the boundary again.
Once again your family member pushes against or refuses to acknowledge your boundary.
You withdraw and make up a story in your head about why they can’t or won’t honor your boundary.
You try again another time and they cycle repeats itself until you give up completely.
It may sound backwards, I know…However, the most effective boundaries are the ones you honor yourself without arguing or defending or expecting others to honor your boundary. This is because you cannot control what others do. You can only control your reactions and responses. I show you how to move out of this dynamic and into confidence because you know how to honor your own boundary and how to navigate the situation when your family member pushes against or refuses to acknowledge your boundary.
#3: You explain and defend your own boundaries
Before you think, “Wait, what? Is this life coach nuts??? Of course you need to explain your boundaries or else your family won’t understand!”…CONSIDER THIS…
When you explain or defend your boundary in the moment it is being pushed against or ignored, you send the message your boundaries are negotiable.
Have you noticed how when you explain or defend your boundary in the moment it almost always leads to an argument?
This is because you think explaining your boundary is reinforcing your boundary or helping them understand clearly. However, they think your explanation or defense is an invitation to negotiate or break your boundary down and they take you up on that invitation because they don’t agree with or want to honor your boundary.
These shifts are simple AND they are powerful because they work almost immediately when you implement them. For support on implementing these shifts and other practical steps you can take towards the healthiest connection possible with all family members, even the most challenging ones, head over to my private membership for women on Facebook, the YOU Aligned Community, where you will learn how to pair your inner healing work with practical relationship skills to build relationships that are mutual and loving and spaces where you can be accepted for who you authentically are.