Don't Put Yourself First
Why "put yourself first" is a bad solution when you feel drained and taken advantage of
“Put yourself first for a change” is usually the advice given when you are exhausted and feeling drained by the needs of others because you have been putting others’ needs first above your own. While it seems logical that the remedy for “others first” is “put yourself first”, it actually is pretty bad advice. There is a better solution.
There are two big problems with the swing from always putting others first to putting yourself first.
The biggest problem is both ways of using your energy, whether all for others or all for yourself, is the same approach. It’s an all in approach no matter who your energy ends up going to. The lack of balance is the problem, NOT to whom you are giving your energy. In fact, if you swing from giving most of your time and energy to others all the way over to giving that same amount of time and energy to yourself, you will end up just as miserable and feeling drained.
Why would you end up in the same place if you are now putting yourself first?
That is the second biggest problem with the “put yourself first for a change” advice. When you do that full swing to try and fix your exhaustion, you not only miss the actually problem which is balance, you also deny a part of who you are.
No matter why you are giving to others there is a part of you that feels fulfilled in giving your time and energy to others. The problem isn’t giving of your time and energy. The problem is the imbalance in how you prioritize who gets your time and energy.
This is where the advice “put yourself first” will quickly become just as frustrating. Yes, you are taking care of your needs fully, and this puts you out of balance in the other direction because where you are happiest is when your needs are just as much a priority as the needs of others. That means you are honoring your own needs and one of those needs is to be present and available to those you love.
It’s a rebalancing of energy that needs to happen, not a complete shift in energy. And, yes, there are some needs of others you need to cancel out completely because they are literally sucking the life out of you. However, if you keep in mind that a part of you feels fulfilled when you are able to take care of others alongside yourself, you will reach that sweet spot where life is in flow and everyone is pretty happy.
How do you make your needs just as important as the needs of others?
Practice the Pause
If you are like me you are way too quick to say yes without considering how that yes is going to affect you, your energy, your time, and the people you love the most. Once that yes is out of your mouth, it’s almost impossible to switch it to a no because guilt gets in the way.
Instead, practice the pause. Pause before you answer. Pause where you normally would jump in with a yes. Pause to reflect. And, it might be a few second pause and it might be a “can I get back to you tomorrow” pause. Whatever length you need, practice the pause and you will become more thoughtful and aware of where and to whom you are giving your precious time and energy.
Ask Yourself What You Need
Most of you overlook this one because you think you know what you need. I didn’t know what I needed until I started asking myself what I needed. I was shocked to realize that most of the time I had no clue what I needed or wanted. I was simply going along with the needs of others so if they wanted chicken for dinner, I had chicken for dinner. If I had asked myself, perhaps the answer would have been I want steak for dinner.
That’s a simple example, however, if you truly start to reflect upon this question, I bet you will be shocked by what you uncover. Do you truly know what it is you need at any given moment or do your needs often align with others out of convenience?
Say “No” to at Least One Person or Commitment
This may seem like too simple of an action step, however, it really is about bringing consciousness and awareness to whom and what you are saying yes to and why. When you are deciding whom and what to say no to, you automatically need to review what you are saying yes to.
Saying no to at least one person or commitment also starts to rewire your brain that it is safe for you to say no. That is what holds you back deep inside. You fear what might happen if you tell someone no because saying no in the past didn’t always work out so well, everything from shaming you to guilting you into changing your mind to enduring the silent treatment. People who say yes as a reaction are in protection mode, not people-pleaser mode. Saying yes to keep others happy and calm was their protection early on in life and it is now how they navigate the world. Breaking that pattern comes one conscious no at a time.
Others first is draining and leads to resentment and burnout.
Me first feels good at first and then lands you in a place of confusion as you are living from a place of misalignment with who you are and how you want to show up in the world.
Elevate the importance of your needs to the same level of importance you give to the needs of others and that is where you will begin to feel more ease, less stress, and a deeper sense of fulfillment in your life.