How to Get Along With Family When They Make it Difficult
In this issue: what to do with toxic families, how to parent your parents, and how to manage sibling rivalry
Oh, the joy of family! There is nothing like it, is there? Nourishing and delicious meals where you linger sharing your dreams and goals while feeling supported and loved unconditionally. Happy and meaningful relationships with your aging parents. Siblings who have forgave and forgot anything that you fought about in childhood.
Wait? What? Whose family is this??? It certainly isn’t mine!!! Let’s try that again…
Oh, the struggle and drain of family! There is nothing like it, is there? Judgment about what you eat, how you parent, how you clean your house, your finances…is there anything your family doesn’t have a complaint about? And, then after all that complaining, they have the audacity to demand you spend quality time together often in place of time you would rather be with your own partner and kids and/or friends (aka chosen family).
Does that sound more accurate?
Let’s face it. Families are messy. Families are complex. Families often drive you bananas. And, still, we give family preference over every other relationship. WHY is that???
Three reasons family gets the best of our time and energy
The belief that family matters: Humans hold this almost romantic notion that who you are connected to biologically is far more important that any other relationship. And, if you have given birth to or been at the birth of a biological child, you feel something you don’t feel with other humans. It is this instant surge of love and protection that hits you with such force that you can’t comprehend what just happened. Which leads me to the next reason…
The belief that the initial surge of love and protection lasts and expands: This is where things get very complex. I believe most of us truly believe that initial surge of love and protection is not only sustainable, we believe it changes everything. And, it does change everything…sort of. The complexity is every human also carries some trauma with them and most humans haven’t even begun to understand how that trauma continues to operate in their lives even if the trauma happened years ago. Plus, the birth of a child opens up all sorts of complexity that invites us to become a more authentic version of ourselves and well, most humans simply aren’t prepared for that.
The belief that the parent-child bond is unbreakable: Here’s the truth…the parent-child bond might be the most fragile bond in the scope of human relationships. Yes, you feel that surge of love and protection and you are in that warm little bubble and then reality sets in pretty fast. A screaming baby who can’t tell you what’s wrong quickly becomes what activates old trauma for you. And, if you make it past the screaming baby part unscathed, then the 2-year-old stage might do it or just wait until they hit their teens and start the full differentiation process. At any given moment this child whom you cherish could walk away forever and that is one of the most fear-inducing and trauma-activating realities to contemplate so things get messy.
I outline these three beliefs because they are common to all humans. If you have not had biological children yourself, you came from two humans. And, what about adoption? Isn’t it interesting that children who are adopted and loved and protected well almost always feel some sense of loss of identity? This contributes to much complexity in family relationships as well.
The bottom line is I can’t name one fully functional family in all of history. Can you?
This brings me to this particular July issue of YOU Aligned Reflections and why we need to talk about parenting your parents, sibling rivalry, and boundaries specific to family. We need to talk about it because EVERYONE has SOMETHING challenging and/or toxic to navigate with their family. Plus, you can change the legacy of your family by doing things differently with your kiddos, which I will cover as well.
Before you dive in, why not take a moment to register for the Aligned Family Bootcamp July 19-21. It takes place in a private Facebook group with daily trainings and reflection guides that take about 30 minutes each day and you can do them on your schedule. Plus, there are two group coaching sessions to receive support on your unique family challenges. Click here to reserve your spot.
Parenting Your Parents When They Attempt to Still Parent You
This might sound like the beginning of a bad joke. Parents who attempt to parent their adult children need to be parented themselves. Yes, you read that correctly. If your parents are still trying to parent you in an overt way in your adulthood, it’s time for you to flip the tables and parent them.
Parents attempting to parent their adult children is a sign there is a lack of boundaries because the parent has not done their own inner work. This is not a judgment. This is a statement of what is most likely going on so that you know how to respond instead of react.
What are some ways parents attempt to parent their adult children?
giving unsolicited advice, especially about parenting or managing a household
stopping by unannounced and letting themselves in
lecturing you on topics you do not agree with them on
These are just a few of the ways parents attempt to parent their adult children and they can all be fixed with a few reframes and of course, boundaries.
Basically, if you feel intruded upon by your parents, this is something to pay attention to and ask yourself if you need to set a boundary.
Here are three reframes that are essential when it comes to an adult child’s relationship with their parents:
Your parent is not necessarily emotionally mature simply because they are a parent. This is a tough one because the assumption is if someone is ready for kids, they must be ready for kids emotionally and mentally. Parents are emotionally mature and intelligent when they have faced their own trauma and its effects upon them and done their own inner healing work so that they can have healthy and meaningful interactions. Becoming a parent does not make you emotionally mature. Doing your own inner work makes you emotionally mature over time.
Your parents did the best they could with the resources available to them at the time. This means that your childhood was the best childhood your parents had the capacity to give you. Yes, that means some of you had some pretty shitty childhoods because your parents took their unfaced and unhealed trauma and spewed it all over you. However, shitty or not, they actually were doing the best they could in their unhealed state. No, you do not have to forget what they did. You don’t even need to forgive them until you are good and ready. However, your interactions with them will go more smoothly if you can accept they couldn’t give you any more than they were capable of giving you in that moment.
The safest and most connected place for your parents to be in your life is according to their capacity for relationship with you, instead of your desire for a specific relationship with them. You, as every human does, desire a deeply connected and meaningful relationship with your parents because they are your parents. The only challenge with that is parents who don’t have the capacity for that will continue to wound you as you try to create that deep and meaningful connection with them. The reflection guide in the Upleveled area walks you through this process in a practical way.
The bottom line is, not every parent knows their place because they have their own stuff going on that they have not addressed. Just because they are your parent does not give them boundaryless access to you. The same goes for your siblings, so let’s dive in.
Sibling Rivalry for YOU and for YOUR Kids
Sibling rivalry happens because you are navigating three realities that throw everyone off from the parents to the siblings. You are navigating:
Different personalities
Different perspectives
Different positions in the family
This means when something happens, everyone has a different approach and a different lens through which they navigate what happened. This is essential to keep in mind as you guide your children in connecting more effectively with one another and as you guide yourself in having the most meaningful relationship possible with your siblings.
Your kids
Teach your kids as you go. And, yes, you can begin wherever you are at. They don’t have to be little. You can start to use these tools at whatever stage they are at. Whenever there is a conflict or sibling attack, use these three questions to guide the conversation with your kids. Have these conversations privately with each child and then bring them together to share with one another as you facilitate and help them stick to sharing only their feelings and responsibility, staying away from accusing and blaming their sibling.
How do you feel or how did you feel when your brother/sister said/did that?
How do you think your sister/brother might be feeling?
What is your responsibility in this situation?
Your siblings
With your own siblings, even in your adulthood, if you are both capable you can utilize the same three questions above. And, you want to add in these ground rules for yourself:
The past shows up in the present so call it out as needed and attempt to resolve the past issues so that you can be as present as possible with one another now
Know your own buttons that your sibling might try to push and know what their buttons are so that you can avoid pushing them just to create a reaction
Just as with your parents, position your siblings in your life according to the kind of relationship they are capable of having and not according to the relationship you hope to have with them
For more on parenting your parents and sibling rivalry, join the Aligned Family Bootcamp July 19-21 by clicking here.
In the Upleveled area this month, I introduce you to boundaries in a whole new way because challenging family situations require a unique approach. I explain why family needs a bit more patience when it comes to boundaries and how to protect yourself while they are learning, plus I explain why grief might be a necessary step for creating and honoring boundaries that work with your family.
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