How to ROCK the Boat After NOT Rocking the Boat for So Long
If you have a pattern of pushing your needs aside so that you can be endlessly available to meet the needs, demands, and wants of others, you are an expert at NOT rocking the boat.
“Don’t rock the boat” is a way of describing what happens when one family member controls the entire dynamic of the family system. The entire goal is to not upset that family member and to keep them happy.
The problem is when you have this pattern in your family with a parent/in-law, sibling, or adult child, you tend to carry that pattern into all areas of your life.
You stay quiet in the workplace when you have a new idea that might be seen as outside the box.
You let things that were said and done that hurt you in friendships slide because you don’t want to upset your friends.
You play small and don’t draw attention to yourself because it might pull attention from others.
If this feels familiar, it’s time to start rocking that boat!!!
When you begin to use your voice and set boundaries and make yourself a priority, it will upset the people who have always expected you to not rock the boat.
Your family will push back if they have benefited from you meeting their needs without question and soothed their emotional state when they got upset. They will try to get you back into line by pressuring you to “behave” and step back into the role you have always played as a boat stabilizer.
And, when you begin to rock the boat, some very positive transformations will occur as well.
You may find yourself in a new position at work with more money coming in because you were willing to voice the out-of-the-box idea that your company needed to uplevel.
Your friendships may just deepen as you share what supports you and what doesn’t.
You will see opportunities opening up to you that were never available to you before because you played small and went unnoticed.
When you implement my boat rocking practices, you will find it easier and easier to rock that boat without feeling guilty, selfish, or like you are the bad person.
Let’s explore how to rock the boat by looking at the ways you kept the boat from rocking for so many years so that you could feel a bit safer and more secure longer. This is a coping strategy that was created by a family dynamic where you felt like you had to soothe and keep a parent or sibling calm and happy in order to feel a sense of stability.
When a family is controlled and manipulated by the emotional state of one family member, this requires all the other family members to make sure that one family member stays calm and happy as much as possible. This insures the family system stays in a false sort of balance. The false sort of balance lasts as long as the emotionally volatile family member is not upset or ignored. As soon as that person is upset, it becomes scramble time for everyone else to calm this person once again.
This dynamic is often captured by the phrase “don’t rock the boat” because if anyone does anything that may upset the emotionally volatile family member, everyone feels like they are caught in a rowboat on the ocean in the middle of a hurricane.
It’s important to note emotional volatility means easily upset by outer circumstances. The upset itself may take the form of angry outbursts or taking away privileges or physical abuse or the silent treatment or any other kind of behavior that manipulates others to soothe the emotional state and immediately meet the needs of another.
How do you keep the boat from rocking?
There are four main ways to keep the boat from rocking and these also hold the answer to how to change this pattern, take back your power, and rock that boat a bit.
#1 Way to NOT Rock the Boat: Anticipate needs and try to meet those needs before they ask.
When you are trying to not rock the boat, you are always thinking 10 steps ahead and asking yourself what that person might need so that they stay happier longer. This guessing and jumping game is beyond exhausting and you will reach points where you did exactly what you through you needed to do and they blew up at you anyway.
START ROCKING THE BOAT by working backwards. When you notice you are anticipating the needs of others, stop and ask yourself if this is something you want to do and are willing to do.
It is not as simple as stopping anticipating the needs of others because it is a pattern within you that helps you a navigate volatile and unpredictable person you also care about. Asking yourself what you want to do and are willing to do not only interrupts the pattern, it creates space for you to choose versus react as you probably don’t want to stop anticipating needs altogether. For example, sometimes it feels right to call someone and offer to pick something up at a store you are stopping at anyways, even if that someone is the emotionally volatile person. The point is to shift from reacting to choosing so it is no longer a coping pattern and instead a choice.
#2 Way to NOT Rock the Boat: Put your needs aside.
This is rule number one of not rocking the boat. Even if you aren’t great at anticipating needs, when the need is loudly demanded of you, you must drop what you are doing and get to meeting their needs.
START ROCKING THE BOAT by offering solutions as to how they can meet their own needs.
Don’t get into a long discussion about how they can meet their own needs as they will perceive that as a negotiation and opportunity to wear you down so you will meet their needs and demands. Instead, respond with an answer that does not commit you and turns responsibility back over to them.
This might sound something like this:
They say, “Make me a sandwich,” as they plop into a chair nearby.
You respond, “There is turkey or ham and two types of bread so you can make exactly what you would like.”
If they argue or demand or repeat themselves, you respond with, “Like I said, there is turkey or ham and two types of bread so you can make exactly what you would like,” and exit the room if needed to end the discussion.
It takes practice and you will struggle with your own emotions, and over time, it will become easier and feel like a natural response for you.
#3 Way to NOT Rock the Boat: Put on a happy face.
It is not enough to anticipate their needs and abandon yourself and your own needs. You must also act as if you enjoy doing it because that keeps the boat even more calm.
START ROCKING THE BOAT by leaving the smile behind and remain as unemotive and unemotional as possible when this family member makes demands of you. Your lack of emotion will fluster and confuse them and start to decrease the frequency with which they ask you for things.
Don’t stuff or fake emotion. Instead have a safe method to release the emotions you have about this family member and their demands. Writing out what you wish you could say to them and ripping it up afterwards is one way to release your emotions.
#4 Way to NOT Rock the Boat: Be a “Yes Girl” (or Boy)
You have been trained to always say yes because when you say no, things get very messy and uncomfortable and even unsafe very fast.
START ROCKING THE BOAT by making a list of their usual requests and demands. Go through the list and decide if you are willing to meet any of their requests and demands, marking the ones you are willing to meet and write down why you are willing next to those. For all the other requests and demands, plan out how you will turn responsibility back over to them using the method for the #2 Way to NOT Rock the Boat earlier in this article. When the moment comes for you to say “no” instead of “yes”, you will be prepared with a response and are less likely to react by jumping to meet their needs to keep the calm.
Rocking the boat isn’t easy. and the more you do it, the more free you will feel. For support on breaking the pattern of jumping to meet the needs of others, send me a message and subscribe to this publication.