How to Stop Boundary Violators AND Build a Healthier Relationship at the Same Time
Setting boundaries with a family member is often a struggle that seems never-ending. This eye-opening reason why will help you have healthier relationships with family.
What would it do for your relationship with your mom if she called BEFORE she stopped by instead of showing up unannounced bringing all kinds of chaos and interruption with her?
How would visits from your father-in-law feel if he cooperated and didn’t bring a candy store of treats for the kids every time?
How would your relationship with your sister or brother be if they left the one-upping and passive-aggressive comments behind and instead you both focused on authentic connection?
Why does it feel like boundaries with family are damn near impossible?
Because…they are family.
That may sound like a simplistic answer, and it’s an accurate answer. When you understand just how accurate this is, you will find it easier to set boundaries with your family AND have those boundaries respected.
So why does the fact “they are family” make boundaries with family feel impossible?
There are three main reasons and these will change everything for you.
Reason #1 “they are family” makes boundaries with family feel impossible:
You have hope that family not only means something, you hope it means the same thing to them as it does to you.
The word FAMILY has so many expectations attached to it.
Family has your back
Family is forever
Family comes first
What would you add to the list of expectations? Share in the comments.
The challenge with these expectations is the only thing that sets family apart from other people is your biological/adoptive connection that made you family. That’s it. That is literally the only difference, and yet, so much weight is put upon that connection and it leads to pain, disappointment, and frustration.
How do you lessen and prevent the pain, disappointment, and frustration?
Shifting your mindset from “family means something” to “they are humans before they are family” will change how you approach your relationships with family. Seeing them as humans BEFORE you see them as family reminds you that they come to the family relationship with a story of their own and a perspective of their own that affects how you relate to one another as well as what you expect from one another.
Reason #2 “they are family” makes boundaries with family feel impossible:
You assume your family cares for you in the same way you care for them.
This is a difficult reality to accept and once you do, the relationship will quickly become LESS STRESSFUL and maybe even MORE ENJOYABLE.
The truth is you can only meet people as deeply as you have met yourself.
What does this mean for your relationships with family?
It means if you are on a healing journey and your family member is not or is not as far in their healing journey, you will bring compassion and understanding and desire for authentic connection to the relationship and you will be met with a lack of interest, resistance, and even hostility.
How do you know if a family member is ready to care for you in the same way you care for them?
Shifting into a mindset that your family member may not be ready or capable of a mutual, loving connection with you opens up the space for the healthiest connection possible, which might be as simple as sharing an interest or hobby together or as complex as a trusting and mutual bond.
Reason #3 “they are family” makes boundaries with family feel impossible:
You believe you and your family member have the same goals for your relationship and that causes conflicts and misunderstandings.
Most of the time the “goals” family have for their relationships aren’t goals at all. Instead, family has expectations for one another based on an unrealistic definition of what family is and how they should relate to one another. This leads to all sorts of demands and boundary violations as well has confusion and chaos.
How do you create more clarity and connection in your family relationships?
When you get clear on the expectations that underlie your interactions with family and add that to understanding what each of you is willing to bring to, or is capable of bringing to, the relationship, you are able to see clearly where boundaries are needed, how to set those boundaries, and how to honor your own boundaries.
This is why I coach people to frame their boundaries with what they are WILLING to do to honor their own boundary because they reality is only you can enforce your own boundaries. This is my unique approach to boundaries and you can learn more about it in the YOU Aligned Community on Facebook, a private membership group for women seeking to build the healthiest connection possible with family members, even in the most challenging of situations.
Subscribe to this Substack for more tools and practical approaches to relationships with family and join me over on Facebook or send me a private message for a deeper dive into boundaries, communication, and all things related to family relationships.