The First Step to Successful Boundaries with Family
It really isn't about the boundaries at all. It's about the hope that you can have healthy relationships with family because they are family...after all.
I have to be honest…
very few women come to me asking me to help them have better boundaries with family.
What women do say when they drop me a private message is, “I want a better relationship with me mom/dad, in-laws, sibling, or adult child.”
Yes, the way to that better relationship is through boundaries and there is one step before that that must be taken or else the relationship will continue to fall back into frustration and disappointment and conflict.
That first step is to recognize what you HOPE will happen in the relationship.
That is exactly where I begin with each person who asks me how they can have a better relationship with a family member and this success story shows you how that first step will change everything for the better in even the most frustrating relationships with family.
My client wanted a better relationship with her sister.
She thought she was doing all the right things to create a better relationship—boundaries, communication, meeting her sister’s needs—and it only seemed to be driving them into more conflict and frustration.
What was happening here?
My client told me no matter how many times she pointed out to her sister that they always get into arguments around specific topics SO could they PLEASE AGREE these topics are off-limits, her sister would keep bringing up those topics and my client would find herself in yet another argument with her sister.
It was logical for my client to point out to her sister there were certain conversations and topics that were not good for the health of their relationship. It made sense for her to request those topics become off-limits for their relationship.
Pointing that out seemed to make the topics all that more appealing to her sister and her sister insisted on bringing up those “off-limits” topics over and over again. It felt, to my client, almost intentional like when they were children and they would annoy one another simply to get a reaction out of each other. This left my client feeling hurt and disappointed and ready to stop seeing her sister.
I helped my client explore the hurt and disappointment she was feeling and she discovered something that surprised her. She discovered she was disappointed and hurt because she feared deep inside that the reason her sister didn’t want to avoid those topics was because her sister didn’t care as much about her and their relationship as she did. THIS SHIFTED EVERYTHING!
Once my client understood that underneath it all she feared her sister didn’t care as much about her or their relationship as she did, she was able to change how she approached her relationship with her sister in a way that didn’t loop her back into hurt and disappointment.
I helped my client take the important next steps to honor the pain of her disappointment and forgive her sister WITHOUT COMPROMISING herself or her values. This step was needed so that when she interacted with her sister, she would no longer be fueled by the underlying AND unaddressed hurt and disappointment. This step also freed her up to be fully in the moment with her sister and accept what her sister was able to give to the relationship instead of trying to get something from her sister that wasn’t possible for her sister to give.
I then helped her set new boundaries with her sister and this time the boundaries worked because the boundaries were no longer based on what my client longed for in her relationship with her sister and instead her boundaries were built upon what action she was willing to take when her sister brought up the off-limits topics.
That one small SHIFT from waiting for her sister to stop bringing up the topics that turned into arguments TO what she was willing to do when her sister brought up those off-limits topics worked like magic. My client quickly learned to shift the topic and focus with ease and move the conversation into topics they both enjoyed and felt a connection with.
For support in your family relationships, jump on over to my private membership for women The YOU Aligned Community or send me a private message.